I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
