what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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