Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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