You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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