Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
