Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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