You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
