I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
