I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
