so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
