I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
