Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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