I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
