and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
