Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
