I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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