Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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