I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
