Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
