I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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