I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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