Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
