please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
