You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
