.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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