oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
