i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
