Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it hurts more in the daytime
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Randomize
