My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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