I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
