I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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