Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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