why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
