for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize