and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
