im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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