Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
