Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize