I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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