We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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