I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
