Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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