My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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