Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
