Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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