everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
