girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
