So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
