you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
