Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
