I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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