genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
