you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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