The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
