Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
