Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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