3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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