I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
not ubering you a puppy
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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