"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
my liver is dry heaving
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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