11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
