we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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